Content

I feel so content right now, Seeing you made everything okay, I've missed you so much. I never stopped thinking of you, Always in my heart and i always thought of you as a best friend. I never wanted to loose you. Im so glad we can be friends. Have chats about old times, Laugh and hang out. Love you always Nemo x

I said hurtful things too. I was hurt when we broke up, It was something i had to do though. I never wanted to loose you. I hope we can start again, Be friends. I hope you are strong enough cause I wouldnt want you seeing me to ruin how far you've come. what if?

What if

Im glad you're happy. Im glad something good has happened. Your happy and that makes me happy. Its all i ever wanted for you. You know that. Reading something that brings a lump to the back of your throat. All i want to do is see you, give you a massive hug and hear about how good things are going for you. Have a coffee in the usual Starbucks. I know it wont happen but its nice to dream eh?

Changes

Oh how things have changed, In 2 months ill be in my new flat, Finally getting out of Warrington and moving to Liverpool. Im so excited and cant wait to start a fresh page. A gorgeous city centre apartment filled with all my crap, Perfect! As much as things change, New job, Moving cities, Amazing friends and a lovely boyfriend. Ill never forget when my heart was opened up to you. I still think about you highly and hope that one day soon, We could be friends again. I guess time will tell, But im so happy that you seem happy, and finally living life how you've always wanted to live it.

You're never far from my thoughts, I just wish it wasn't this way. I'll always care.

somedays

Somedays I still wish you were part of my life, I do something and just instantly remember you, Like I know you'd be sat there laughing your head off at me. But your not, It's like we were never anything, You've moved on, I've moved on, Yet so many things still trigger my feelings for you. It's like I will always have an emtional connection you. Something that I guess I will never loose. I just hope that you still think of me as I think of you. Cause you're still high up there.

Happiness

If only you could see, See that im not as happy as you make out. Of course i wish i still had you in my life. We were perfect. I miss you everyday. I'll always love you regardless. I look at photos and smile, I read letters and cry, I watch videos and laugh. You did make me happy. But when you were with me, You couldnt fully be happy cause you wanted to be trans, And i couldnt deal with it, ill always be here for you though. You should know this. Nemo. Dory <3

Single

Again! What is it? I actually ended it with him, everything he did pissed me off. Every tiny thing pissed me off. I feel like im in such a rush to fall in love again and im not ready. Part of my heart is still stuck on her. Hoping that things will change. Of course i still miss her. I dont think i ever will. I wish we could be friends. But i know we cant cause we both fall back in love with eachother. I think she saw me in my underwear through the window the other day. I had a little chuckle to myself. I'll always be here.

Easier

Being alone, no one for me to hurt, no one to hurt me. That the way its going to be. Look after myself and just be by myself. I want to hate you but i cant. I just want to be happy. Whys that so hard?

Fuck

Realising you miss someone you shouldn't, Realising you arn't fully over them. Fucking stupid brain, Fucking stupid heart. Fuck.

Words

Don't know what to say. I can't control what someone gets on their body, But yet im the one upset over what you think. Why do you still manage to upset me? Why do i still care about your opinion? I hoped that one day we could of been friends. But that doesn't seem likely now. You hate me. And yeah it kinda still hurts.

:)

I cant wait to get my little finger tattoo's next month. Getting a pea, Dory's fin and Nemo's fin. Regardless of whats happened. I'll never hate you, I'll never forget about you, Never stop loving you, Cause you were one of the best things to happen to me.

Hope

I still hope that one day we will be friends again. Be able to sit and watch films like old times. You seem like you're heading in the right direction now, and it makes me happy. As much as i said i was done with you, I'll never be done cause you'll always be in my heart. Guess i was just a bit upset. xxx

how can you

Say i gave you shit when it was me that was always there for you?!
Yeah stand up for yourself,
Just never forget it was me that loved you.
God im so fucking upset right now!

Wow

So is that what you want?
For me to be hit by a bus cause im such a slag?
Ok,
I hope I do get hit by one and then you can live with the guilt of saying that.
Thats by far the most hurtful thing you've said about me.
I was there for you when no one else was.
Fucking remember that.

:)

I'm happy,
I've been getting that butterfly feeling in my stomach,
We suit,
Were like a perfect match.
Fuck it.
I'm a happy fucking girl.
It's about time I made myself happy and worries about just me.
After all,
I should be number one.

My heart was pounding out my chest,
My hands felt clammy,
I saw you,
My heart melted,
I smiled.
The wasn't any awakwardness,
No,
It was just like normal,
Having a giggle and a cuddle.
But that cuddle meant more to me than you think.
I could feel you breathing,
Feel your heart beating as fast as mine.
Ill always love you.
I think you know this now.
But people really do have a lot to live up to after you.
And im not just talking about the cheesy grins ;)

I want to ask you to go for a walk with me.
So I can see how you are.
I miss you.
It doesn't get any easier.
I have some of your clothes here still.
I don't think I'll ever stop loving you.

hair

So im sat with a bottle of bleach on my whole head.
Its itching and getting rather hot.
I cant wait to have a new colour,
Ive had black hair for so long!
Eeeee
Im excited! :D

:(

I could really do with a cuddle,
And a chat from the person i miss.
I've got a sore back from where a fucking dog has bitten me.
My arm is killing from the injection they gave me.
I feel like shit.
:(

Off to my sisters for a bit,
Then town if i can be bothered.

Feeling happy and very optimistic today.
Had a lovely chat with my dad about his childhood :)
Saw my beautiful niece,
I cant wait to have kids of my own.
Having such a big family has made me want them so much!
Went to Ikea with my friends to re-enact some scenes from 500 days of summer,
Cause were so cool...
Now im sat at home,
Glass of wine,
And all i can do is look at old photos and smile.
I really did love her :)
Im glad i have so many happy thoughts and memories of us.
X

Hold out your hand and lean upon me, I'll be the one to make you smile again

Made plans to go into town tomorrow and have some ice cream.
Cheer myself up and then come home and sit in the sun.
Hopefully will be a nice day.
Im not that tired yet,
But i should really get some sleep.
My heads been hurting all day from over thinking.
Feeling like i made mistakes and made the wrong decisions.
I guess i cant change them now.
I just want to talk to you.
But i know i cant.
Why's it all so hard?
x

Hate

I hate that i still love you,
I hate that i still miss you,
I thought this would get easier.
Why isnt it?
Why do i torture myself thinking of you in more than a bestfriend way every single fucking day?
:(
Fuck it all.
Im feeling myself slipping back into a shit place.
x

E

I got asked why i have an E on a piece of string around my wrist today.

My reply was,
"Oh its the initial of my ex girlfriend, she's still my bestfriend though.
We dont speak at the moment whislt she's getting better but im sure she knows that i still think of her everday. She was probably the best thing to happen to me, she opened my eyes and made me alot more open minded than i already was. I have alot of admiration for her, i miss her everyday and i will always love her. Regardless of who else i fall in love with she will always be part of my heart."

Its probably the nicest thing ive ever said about anyone and tbh its all true. I felt so much better after i said it.

She just needs to see shes stronger than she thinks and im always here for her. Always.


X

Everytime I see your mums car,
My heart skips a beat,
I hope I'll see you,
Just so I can smile.
Let you know I'm still here.
X

We used to say that the safest place was in each others arms,
I'll never give up on you,
Me leaving you wasn't giving up,
It was me trying to make you stronger,
I thought itd make you want to get better,
I thought itd make you realise what you were doing.
I know your stronger than you think.
You know you are.
I too wish we could rewind months,
When we were happy,
In love.
Don't give up nemo.
Cause dory will never give up on you.

I doubt you even read my blog anymore,
But if you do,
Good.
At least you'll see that I still miss you,
Love you,
And think about you all the time.
Always in my heart.


We're like a train crash, we collide in to each other.

Gah

Your back on my tumblr now.
I can see everything your posting.
Its making me miss you more,
It doesn't help when im in the mood for something.
That you do incredibly.
God.
Fuck.

wow.
Shit mood just went to a new low.
Dont know how people think im super cheery all the time.
The real me still cries at night.

Hungover,
Tired,
and feeling a bit poop.
I had a dream that it was a few months back,
The smiles and the laughter.
Where did it go?
Id do anything to have you back in my life,
I miss you,
I miss the three of us watching Superbad together.
Mc. Lovin.
One day eh? One day.
But for now ill sit and look through photos :)
Nemo, Dory & Squirt
<3

its just onee thing after another,
my best friend and ex girlfriend gets really ill and ends up back in a ward,
i feel super guilty and can/will never shake that feeling.
my dad diagnosed with another disease and it feels like my family is falling apart.
and today,
one of my best friends has a fit and is now being transferred to a psychiatric unit.
why cant anything be simple?
really?
when will things get better?

I just watched a video of her laughing on my laptop.
I remember when we filmed it,
And how i wanted a video so that if i was ever feeling crap i could look at it.
Im going to bed with a smile on my face tonight.
:)
x

It wasnt just your world that came tumbling down.
It was mine too.
If i could go back to the beginning when everything was amazing i would.
Im sat reading old letters and notes,
I dont know why im doing it to myself.
I still feel so much guilt.
But i think it was for the best.
Forver in my heart,
And hopefully one day back in my life.

"Her eyes change colour..Sometimes they're green, sometimes they're brown. But whatever they are they're beautiful."

<3 <3

Sight

I saw you,
The first time in what feels like years,
I didn't know what to do,
My heart was beating so fast it felt like my ribs were going to break.
My hands went clammy.
Why?
I don't know.
But I know one thing,
I miss my best friend.
Xxxx

I can see the pain in his eyes,
The feeling of just giving up.
He's had enough now,
He can't be bothered anymore and we can all see it.
He can only say he's fine a few times before we see through it.
See the worry etched in his face.

I keep crying randomly.
I just dont know how to cope with it.
He could be here for 3 months or 3 years.
No one knows.
Its just one thing after another.
I keep thinking why him?
Why my amazing dad?
Its that not knowing that's killing me.
I can only drink so much to mask the pain.


For now ill pray to God every night.
I hope he's listening as i fucking need some help.

Death

Its hard to come to terms with the fact of life,
You live and you die.
Simple.
But it's not is it?
The ones that die without wanting to,
And the ones that waste their lives.
My dad is one that doesn't want to.
I fucking hate this.
Can't you see that you shouldn't want to die?
Can't you understand it's bad!?!
Please stop.
I can't handle it anymore,
It's killing me,
My family's falling apart at the seams.

Ohio

Knowing your doing okay makes me happy,
Don't think I don't think about you,
You are my bestfriend still, and always will be.
I miss you too.
I has some horrible news this week,
Dads been diagnosed with lung disease,
It's been a week from hell full of writing wills and thinking of funeral arrangements incase it develops faster than we wish.
It would of been good to have you here to help me through it.
My worlds crumbling around me.
He can't die. He's my rock. You know that.
But what upsets me is that your not happy and don't want to be here,
Yet someone I love might be taken away from me,
Can't you see how awful it is?
How much everyone will be upset around you?
Please,
Don't ever give up.
Cause I wont ever give up on you.
Dory
Nemo
Xxxx

Dory & Nemo

hope

i hope that one day we can be friends again,
but for now i need to stay away from you,
for you to get better,
and for me to get better.
its for the best.
im not even seeing that boy now,
he didnt have a scratch on you....
ive just seen that im guessing your home for the day,
i truly hope you are getting better,
i honestly think about you all the time,
still my best friend and always have a place in my heart.
love you till the end of the world and back.
forever my nemo.
love your dory.
get better soon please
xxxx

Truth

I miss you,
As a girlfriend and as a best friend.
But it just cant be that way,
I wanted you as a best friend and you backed away,
This week ive enjoyed myself,
Seen my friends and drank too much.
But i didnt see you,
I wanted to but you were busy.
I was honest with you and it back fired on me.
I want to be happy and it was you who used to make me happy months ago,
But we know that we cant be together.
It just wont work,
You need to focus on yourself,
Get better.
I need to focus on me and make myself better and happier.
Im fed up of feeling low.
Why cant you understand when i understood everything about you?

For me

After everything went we through,
What you put me through,
The stress,
The anger,
The upset,
And the worry.
I thought you would want me to be happy.
I love you, I still do.
I always will.
I am the one that accepted you fully,
Understood you.
And you treat me by ignoring me.
It was my birthday this week, I thought you'd of wanted to see me.
Guess I was wrong.
Have fun getting 'mortal'.
I can't be fucked with it all any more.
I try to make myself happy,
See if I can get over you.
Fuck it all.
You broke me.

Dreams

Dreams are such a funny thing,
Most nights I dream about you.
Some good, some bad.
Last night was bad.
I woke up crying, thinking it was real.
You were horrible to me,
Getting back with an ex and rubbing it in my face,
It makes me doubt my trust,
Surely If I dream the same dream night after night,
It shows that maybe its true?
And your lieing to me...
Again.
I havnt forgot about you lieing.
It runs through my brain constantly.
Engraving its thoughts deep within.
One day I'll forget,
One day we will be happy.

Anger

I feel like you don't understand how much you still mean to me,
Your like a drug I can't stop taking,
I think about you all the time,
Worry about you,
Dram about you,
I dislike how much I feel I still need you,
We're now best friends.
And it's lovely,
But I need you to know how hard it it for me,
How hard it is to not want to kiss you,
To feel your skin brush against mine.
It's killing me.
My heads all over the place.
:(

Ive just had an amazing night with you,
To feel your skin against mine again,
Your lips touching mine,
It was incredible,
But why do we keep doing this to ourselves?
I drive you home, not wanting to let you out of my car,
But to just drive away, me and you, to take us to a better place.

I asked you to be with me again tonight,
How selfish can i be?
To make you put your own happiness to a side,
Just so i can be happy.
I know i fucked us up.

You sent me a letter today that you wrote after we split up.
Ive read it 4 times now and i cant stop crying,
How much i hurt you,
How fucking selfish i was.
I will live with this regret and hurt for the rest of my life.

But no matter what i will always be here for you pea,
Ill never leave your side, even if it is just as best friends,
And i will protect you from everything/anyone,

Ill never stop loving you, till the day i die.

'Hold out your hand and lean upon me, ill be the one to make you smile'




xxx

Stupid girl

I just want everything to be back how it used to be.
I feel like Ive made a huge mistake,
I hurt the one person that meant everything to me,
I really hurt her,
I never meant to.
She was my everything and now were just best friends,
Is this really what i want?
I dont know what i want anymore.
All i know is that the moment i lay my eyes on her im back at square one when we first met,
Trying to resist her,
Being nervous around her,
Wanting to impress her,
Everything is complicated now,
Its all my fault.

Her head is all over the place,
She a little troubled soul.
Am i just making everything worse for her?
Confusing her even more than she already is with everything else.
Do i even make her happy anymore?
Or do i just upset her?
All i want to do is protect her,
Love her,
Be there for her.
I dont even care about the age anymore,
I miss my best friend that i fell in love with.
The girl who knew everything about me,
Understood my weird ways.

Can i learn from my mistakes and mend all of this?