Saturday, 31 March 2012

Off to my sisters for a bit,
Then town if i can be bothered.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Feeling happy and very optimistic today.
Had a lovely chat with my dad about his childhood :)
Saw my beautiful niece,
I cant wait to have kids of my own.
Having such a big family has made me want them so much!
Went to Ikea with my friends to re-enact some scenes from 500 days of summer,
Cause were so cool...
Now im sat at home,
Glass of wine,
And all i can do is look at old photos and smile.
I really did love her :)
Im glad i have so many happy thoughts and memories of us.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Hold out your hand and lean upon me, I'll be the one to make you smile again

Made plans to go into town tomorrow and have some ice cream.
Cheer myself up and then come home and sit in the sun.
Hopefully will be a nice day.
Im not that tired yet,
But i should really get some sleep.
My heads been hurting all day from over thinking.
Feeling like i made mistakes and made the wrong decisions.
I guess i cant change them now.
I just want to talk to you.
But i know i cant.
Why's it all so hard?


I hate that i still love you,
I hate that i still miss you,
I thought this would get easier.
Why isnt it?
Why do i torture myself thinking of you in more than a bestfriend way every single fucking day?
Fuck it all.
Im feeling myself slipping back into a shit place.

Monday, 26 March 2012


I got asked why i have an E on a piece of string around my wrist today.

My reply was,
"Oh its the initial of my ex girlfriend, she's still my bestfriend though.
We dont speak at the moment whislt she's getting better but im sure she knows that i still think of her everday. She was probably the best thing to happen to me, she opened my eyes and made me alot more open minded than i already was. I have alot of admiration for her, i miss her everyday and i will always love her. Regardless of who else i fall in love with she will always be part of my heart."

Its probably the nicest thing ive ever said about anyone and tbh its all true. I felt so much better after i said it.

She just needs to see shes stronger than she thinks and im always here for her. Always.


Sunday, 25 March 2012

Everytime I see your mums car,
My heart skips a beat,
I hope I'll see you,
Just so I can smile.
Let you know I'm still here.
We used to say that the safest place was in each others arms,
I'll never give up on you,
Me leaving you wasn't giving up,
It was me trying to make you stronger,
I thought itd make you want to get better,
I thought itd make you realise what you were doing.
I know your stronger than you think.
You know you are.
I too wish we could rewind months,
When we were happy,
In love.
Don't give up nemo.
Cause dory will never give up on you.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

I doubt you even read my blog anymore,
But if you do,
At least you'll see that I still miss you,
Love you,
And think about you all the time.
Always in my heart.

We're like a train crash, we collide in to each other.


Your back on my tumblr now.
I can see everything your posting.
Its making me miss you more,
It doesn't help when im in the mood for something.
That you do incredibly.
Shit mood just went to a new low.
Dont know how people think im super cheery all the time.
The real me still cries at night.
and feeling a bit poop.
I had a dream that it was a few months back,
The smiles and the laughter.
Where did it go?
Id do anything to have you back in my life,
I miss you,
I miss the three of us watching Superbad together.
Mc. Lovin.
One day eh? One day.
But for now ill sit and look through photos :)
Nemo, Dory & Squirt

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

its just onee thing after another,
my best friend and ex girlfriend gets really ill and ends up back in a ward,
i feel super guilty and can/will never shake that feeling.
my dad diagnosed with another disease and it feels like my family is falling apart.
and today,
one of my best friends has a fit and is now being transferred to a psychiatric unit.
why cant anything be simple?
when will things get better?

Saturday, 17 March 2012

I just watched a video of her laughing on my laptop.
I remember when we filmed it,
And how i wanted a video so that if i was ever feeling crap i could look at it.
Im going to bed with a smile on my face tonight.
It wasnt just your world that came tumbling down.
It was mine too.
If i could go back to the beginning when everything was amazing i would.
Im sat reading old letters and notes,
I dont know why im doing it to myself.
I still feel so much guilt.
But i think it was for the best.
Forver in my heart,
And hopefully one day back in my life.

"Her eyes change colour..Sometimes they're green, sometimes they're brown. But whatever they are they're beautiful."

<3 <3


I saw you,
The first time in what feels like years,
I didn't know what to do,
My heart was beating so fast it felt like my ribs were going to break.
My hands went clammy.
I don't know.
But I know one thing,
I miss my best friend.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

I can see the pain in his eyes,
The feeling of just giving up.
He's had enough now,
He can't be bothered anymore and we can all see it.
He can only say he's fine a few times before we see through it.
See the worry etched in his face.

I keep crying randomly.
I just dont know how to cope with it.
He could be here for 3 months or 3 years.
No one knows.
Its just one thing after another.
I keep thinking why him?
Why my amazing dad?
Its that not knowing that's killing me.
I can only drink so much to mask the pain.

For now ill pray to God every night.
I hope he's listening as i fucking need some help.

Sunday, 11 March 2012


Its hard to come to terms with the fact of life,
You live and you die.
But it's not is it?
The ones that die without wanting to,
And the ones that waste their lives.
My dad is one that doesn't want to.
I fucking hate this.
Can't you see that you shouldn't want to die?
Can't you understand it's bad!?!
Please stop.
I can't handle it anymore,
It's killing me,
My family's falling apart at the seams.

Saturday, 10 March 2012


Knowing your doing okay makes me happy,
Don't think I don't think about you,
You are my bestfriend still, and always will be.
I miss you too.
I has some horrible news this week,
Dads been diagnosed with lung disease,
It's been a week from hell full of writing wills and thinking of funeral arrangements incase it develops faster than we wish.
It would of been good to have you here to help me through it.
My worlds crumbling around me.
He can't die. He's my rock. You know that.
But what upsets me is that your not happy and don't want to be here,
Yet someone I love might be taken away from me,
Can't you see how awful it is?
How much everyone will be upset around you?
Don't ever give up.
Cause I wont ever give up on you.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Dory & Nemo


i hope that one day we can be friends again,
but for now i need to stay away from you,
for you to get better,
and for me to get better.
its for the best.
im not even seeing that boy now,
he didnt have a scratch on you....
ive just seen that im guessing your home for the day,
i truly hope you are getting better,
i honestly think about you all the time,
still my best friend and always have a place in my heart.
love you till the end of the world and back.
forever my nemo.
love your dory.
get better soon please